[Note: For my one hundredth post, I decided to do something a little different and roleplay a session of Skyrim as if I were a
fiercely pro-Stormcloak racist highly exaggerated fundie Heathen. Before I begin, note that this session will contain SPOILERS FOR THE COMPANIONS FACTION and is graphics heavy (which is why I’m cutting it).
Please allow me to introduce my character, Loptr Storm-Eye:
As you can see, he is a big and burly Nord with a beard, a manly beard.
Now, please excuse me while I get into character….*clears throat, plunks awesome Dovahkiin helmet on head*]
I follow my companion (a fellow Nord, naturally) into the network of caves under Helgen. We make short work of the damned Imperials infesting the place. (Who taught these idiots how to fight?) But my companion is most worried about a bear….
Hah! No TRUE son of Skyrim fears the likes of a bear! I charge it, sneak past it, indeed! He’s probably been spending too much time at the temple of Mara, it’s made him soft.
I wish I could skin the bear and wear the skin as a sign of my
hypermasculinity prowess in battle, but the Goddess says that that isn’t possible. I’m not sure how I feel about listening to goddesses, I am a MAN, after all.
The Goddess says that if I say that again, she will drop me off a cliff.
Emerging into the light of day, my companion suggests that I visit his sister in Riverwood, but I don’t have time for that. I’m not going to gain honour and GLORY (and a warhammer) mucking about in Riverwood. No, it’s off to Whiterun!
Outside Whiterun, I witness a group of people battling a giant. I rush to help them (thus gaining glory and honour) but they manage to kill it before I have a chance to swing my sword. I’d wager if I had a warhammer instead of this scrap metal that’s pretending to be a sword, I would have been able to hit the giant.
A woman from the group approaches me, I don’t know how I feel about women in combat. “Loptr,” the goddess snarls “Would you like to become giant food?”
No, I would not.
Anyways, the woman, Aela, says that I might fare well as a member of the Companions, they sound appropriately glorious. Oh, but first I have to carry a message to the jarl, I nearly forgot.
Jarl Balgruuf (whom I do not kneel to, btw, because
Heathens NORDS KNEEL TO NO ONE!) talks for a bit. The Goddess is impatient, it’s almost like she’s heard this before. Anyhow, the jarl wants us to see his court mage (*snickers*) who wants us to find something for him. I decide I’ll get to it in the next century or so, damn mages, why tap into the forces that govern the universe when you can smash things with hammers like a real man?!
I decide to head over to Jorrvaskr to speak with the leader of the Companions. After some tedious introductory banter, I receive my first chance at honour and GLORY….
Apparently I need to rough up a shopkeeper….
Well, I suppose that….could be glorious….there’s a chance he could be walking around in full plate….with a big axe.
It turns out the shopkeeper is a woman, dressed in plain clothes, not a scrap of armor, hooray. I rough her up anyways.
The Goddess is not impressed by this show of force towards a helpless woman (though she did get in a few good punches), but I head back to Jorrvaskr regardless.
I wonder if now will be my chance to gain honour and glory, but it’s not to be. I’m tasked with retrieving a bow from some giants. “Oh shit,” says the Goddess, “and you’re only at level two.”
It’s almost as if she’s fought giants before.
I buy a horse:
and we head to the giant camp.
The Goddess insists that I sneak around the camp, much to my chagrin. I, Loptr Storm-Eye, fear neither giant nor mammoth!
The Goddess shakes her head, but we continue on. There’s a cave near the tree, and I enter it. “There, that chest,” says the Goddess. “That’s where you need to go.”
The chest is guarded by a giant.
“Shit,” she curses. “I hate giants, I was level 21 before I killed my first one.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Never mind,” she says. “Try and sneak past him.”
I attempt to do so.
The next thing I know, I’m standing in front of the cave.
“You died,” says the Goddess. “Luckily, I saved before we went in.”
I don’t remember dying, and I have no idea what she’s talking about. I just want to get that heirloom and leave.
[Gef’s note: I actually died a few times trying to get away from the giant….]
I make a mad dash for the chest and open it. Inside is the heirloom and a potion.
“Wait,” the Goddess says as she examines the potion. “One hundred extra hit points….Loptr! Drink this potion, NOW!”
I hastily down the potion, feeling strength flood my limbs. The giant’s club hits me in the back. Hah! I told the Goddess that giants were no match for the likes of Loptr Storm-Eye!
“Just keep moving, you idiot!” she exclaims. I have no idea why she’s so snappish. It must be a goddess thing. We do stop at the strange purple tree to take some of its sap, though, the Goddess thinks it might be useful in the future.
I head back to Jorrvaskr and the Companions officially welcome me into their ranks (FINALLY, a little recognition!). Farkas wants my help obtaining a fragment of Wuuthrad! Our founder Ysgramor’s battle axe! GLORY AND HONOUR AWAIT!
We travel to Dustman’s Cairn and make quick work of the draugr inside. The Goddess recommends using fire but I HAVE NO NEED FOR MAGIC, WOMAN! I HAVE AN AXE!
I take the time to sit on a throne:
and I end up getting trapped in a cell:
To make matters worse, members of some group known as the Silver Hand arrive. They make it clear that they want to kill us. WHY AM I ALWAYS STUCK IN A CELL WHEN THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS?! WHY?!
Farkas doesn’t seem too concerned, maybe he’s prepared to meet
Odin Shor in Valhalla Sovngarde–OH GODS WHAT IS HE DOING?!
[Gef’s note: Sorry this picture isn’t very good. This is Farkas. He’s a werewolf.]
A werewolf?! Werewolves are strictly utangard! There’s no way I’d ever accept a werewolf as a shield-brother!
“That’s not what you were saying five minutes ago,” says the Goddess with a smirk.
Yes but, everyone knows that werewolves are de facto chaotic and therefore evil….
[Gef’s note: Just like the jotnar irl, amirite?]
The Goddess is unconvinced.
I decided to gather my courage and confront Farkas, who informs me that only certain members of the Companions have this curse. Oh well, that’s a relief, I mean DON’T TALK TO ME, YOU ARE NOW OUT OF MY INNANGARD!
“Oh, Loptr, just shut up,” says the Goddess.
I have my eye on Farkas as we continue through the cairn. I find a strange wall in the dungeon. Apparently, I just learned the word “Fire”, that’s strange, I already know that word…
“It’s part of a dragon shout,” the Goddess explains helpfully. “The first part of Fire Breath.”
Dragons are strictly utangard, and besides, all this shouting business sounds suspiciously like magic, which is for weaklings.
The Goddess sighs and says no more.
We head back to Jorrvaskr. Once there, Skjor meets me, saying that he’d like to speak to me beneath the Skyforge, a structure that’s older than the Companions themselves. It seems like an odd place to hold a meeting, but what could possibly go wrong….
Oh, nothing much, the Circle just wants me to become a werewolf….
[Gef’s note: I had a picture of this, but it was lost somewhere. Basically, Aela’s there in werewolf form with the rest of the Circle, and they want you to drink her blood from a basin, no big deal.)
The Goddess finds this very amusing. “You could walk away, you know,” she says. “But, you know, you’re so into that honour and glory thing, and I can’t complete the questline otherwise….”
I swallow my pride and drink.
I come to and Aela informs me that we’re going werewolf hunter hunting, so in the interests of not rocking the boat and standing by my new family (like a TRUE Nord would do) I decide to accompany her.
[Gef’s note: So, we get to the Silver Hand lair, and an interesting thing happened. Namely, EVERY TIME Loptr fought against a Redguard woman, he did a special kill animation–Redguards are all black. I have NO control over when a kill animation happens. My conclusion? My character is a fucking racist, or the game is racist. Seriously, every fucking time! This NEVER happened with any of my other characters!]
We do the dirty deed (and I FINALLY get a warhammer!) and head back to Jorrvaskr. Kodlak Whitemane, Harbinger of the Companions, wishes to speak with me. It is then that I learn the shocking truth:
If I die now, I won’t go to Sovngarde. No, as a werewolf, I belong t0 the Daedric Prince Hircine, Father of Manbeasts.
The Goddess thinks this is terribly amusing. “Oh dear, no Sovngarde for Loptr!” She crows. “He has to go to the Hunting Grounds, now!”
NOOOOOOO! I REFUSE TO SETTLE FOR AN INFERIOR AFTERLIFE!
Fortunately, Kodlak has a lead on a possible cure for lycanthropy. The first Harbinger to contract the disease made a bargain with some witches for power, not knowing that the power would come in the form of the curse. Perhaps witch magic is the key to a cure.
I groan, I don’t want to deal with witches.
“Uh, Loptr? The witches are hagravens, Kodlak wants you to kill them.”
Oh, well, hagravens are definitely utangard, ugly, twisted creatures.
I travel to the witches’ lair:
I dismount and head inside, my trusty warhammer in my hands (I ❤ my warhammer!).
[Gef’s note: Loptr actually tried to kill the witches as a werewolf, first. Yeah, not too effective against entities who worship the godlike being who gave you the power in the first place.]
My first witch slain, I pick up her head (do I *have* to carry it around?) and stuff it in my sack.
“Do you want to go after the rest of the coven?” asks the Goddess.
Does she think that I, Loptr Storm-Eye, would run from a few haggard old witch-creatures with my tail between my legs
like a mage? Ha!”
We take the rest of the coven by surprise and Hircine has a few less worshipers in Skyrim. Good! Now it’s time to return to Kodlak and–
It turns out the Silver Hand decided to attack while I was away. Oh, and Kodlak suffered a major case of dead. Fantastic. The Circle wants to avenge him and recover the fragments of Wuuthrad that the Silver Hand stole. VENGEANCE WILL BE OURS! FOR THE GLORY OF THE COMPANIONS!
[Gef: So, yeah, Loptr travels to the Silver Hand hideout and kills everyone. And then they hold a funeral for Kodlak. He’s not quite finished, though. One more quest to go!]
After the funeral, Eorlund wants me to find the final fragment of Wuuthgrad so he can repair the axe. I find the fragment in Kodlak’s room and bring it to him. He says I should hold it.
YSGRAMOR’S WEAPON, I AM HOLDING IT! I take a moment to savor how manly it makes me feel, and then it’s down to the Skyforge to attend a meeting with the Circle.
A cure? For lycanthropy? DO WANT!
I mean, I would very much like to be rid of this beast form.
I travel to Ysgramor’s tomb with my boon companions.
[Gef: The game actually crashed during the journey, so the next time I just fast-traveled to a nearby location.]
What do you mean I have to put the axe down? I like the axe where it is.
“Just do it, Loptr,”
Fine. I set the axe before the statue (but of course I don’t kneel to do it, that would be cowardly) and a door opens allowing us to go deeper into the tomb.
We face ghosts (who are somehow susceptible to hammer blows) and spiders (Farkas admits that he’s
chicken been afraid of spiders since Dustman’s Cairn, so he decides to return to Vilkas).
We encounter Kodlak’s spirit deep in the tomb. Apparently, he’s hiding from Hircine
like a coward and wants us to cast one of the witch heads we obtained earlier into the blue fire in the center of the room.
I have more than a few heads in my sack, so I oblige him and toss one in.
And now I have to face a giant red spirit wolf. FOR KODLAK! FOR THE GLORY OF THE COMPANIONS!
[Gef’s note: I died a bunch of times (in no small part due to Loptr’s stubborn insistence that healing potions were for weaklings, I made him eat about half the food in his inventory instead.)]
The wolf spirit defeated, Kodlak can now move on to Sovngarde, and I’m now the Harbinger of the Companions! HONOUR AND GLORY AT LAST!
“One last thing,” says the Goddess. “Do you want to get rid of your lycanthropy?”
“Are you sure you don’t want to tell Vilkas and Farkas about this? They seemed interested in a cure–”
JUST SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE CURE, WOMAN!
“Fine, throw another head on the fire.”
Another spirit wolf appears, I dispatch it easily. [Gef’s note: Sure he does, after a bunch of deaths.]
Now free of the beast, my place in Sovngarde assured, all I want to do is go to my bed (formerly Kodlak’s bed) and sleep.
[If it wasn’t clear. Yes, some of the things he said are things that I’ve heard actual Heathens irl say (exaggerated a little for dramatic effect), others (such as his prejudice towards mages) are in-universe Skyrim things (if you are a mage, everyone thinks you’re a coward) and once again, I solemnly swear that I had no control over those fucking kill animations!
I would have liked to take him (and his I-don’t-kneel-to-anyone attitude) to visit Molag Bal, but I thought one faction was enough and anything else would probably bore everyone but me to death. Anyways, I have a couple rants planned, new reviews to write, and such, so if you’ve had your fill of Skyrim for now, don’t worry, other things are coming.]