(Psst, Ken, if you’re reading this, I know you’re tired of holiday music already, so just ignore this post.)
So, I probably should have written this post months ago before the stores started cranking out holiday music (which in Canada is right after Hallowe’en) but it’s December, I’m still sick, and in the mood for something a little more lighthearted, so here are a couple lists of my own personal best and worst holiday songs. I was going to originally title this post: “Gef’s Confessions” because some of the songs I like are *definitely* YMMV. In fact, all of the songs are YMMV.
These are in no particular order. Let’s start with the worst, shall we?
The “Cutting My Ears Off Would Be Preferable” Worst Holiday Songs Ever
- “Santa Baby” I hate everything about this song: the melody, the lyrics, oh dear sweet Freyr, the lyrics! But especially, especially when the singers try to, you know, sex it up. It was performed like that during a Christmas show in high school, and it was terrible.
- “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” I have parents who love country music. I usually have a ten hour car ride to Quebec every year. This song is always playing on the radio. My dad loves this song. Seriously, it’s about an old lady getting run over by a fucking deer! How the fuck is that cheery at all?
- “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” I hate this song. I hate when my mom sings it. She can’t sing. Okay, I suppose on some level, it’s kind of funny (I completely understand what the kid in the song is going through), on the other hand, how can I adequately express how obnoxious the tune is? (You’ve probably heard it a dozen times before, anyways.)
- “Silent Night” My dislike of this song has less to do with the content of the song and more with the fact that I’ve had to listen to it being sung, in French, by the same singers, for twenty-five years.
- “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” If I were ranking this in order of “least hated” to “most hated”, this one would definitely take the most hated. I mean, seriously, these lyrics: “What’s in this drink?” WTF? How a song that is infamously known as “the Christmas date-rape song” ever gets played anywhere is just…just….GAH! How can anyone honestly like this song?
Fuck this, I’m moving on to my favourites….
The “Songs I Listen to Year After Year Even Though They Play Them in the Stores Five Million Times” Best Holiday Songs Ever
- “The Little Drummer Boy” It’s the “pa rum pum pum pum” that gets me, every single time. I have no other reason for liking this song.
- “O Holy Night” Maybe I should just hand in my Pagan card right now, because I love this song! It’s so soothing, and then you get to the bits where the singer really projects and you’re all O_o. I especially like it when the “fall on your knees” bit has a bit of “oomph” to it.
- “Carol of the Bells” This one is probably my very favourite!I prefer this one without the lyrics, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across a variation I didn’t like. My favourite renditions are the ones by The Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Celtic Woman, and August Burns Red (who does a rock version that manages to work).
- “Where are You Christmas?” This was probably the best part of that terrible live-action version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (don’t mess with the classics, just don’t). Oh, come on, it’s cute.
This last one, I almost wanted to keep it off the list because admitting that I like it is like giving you my feminist card and telling you to take a match to it, but….
“My Only Wish This Year” Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking “What the fuck is a Britney Spears song doing on this list?” among other things. The fact is, this song should really be on my other list. It’s sung by a pop star I stopped liking years ago, it’s all about getting a man for Christmas (and only about getting a man for Christmas). So why the fuck do I like it? Maybe I just have the worst case of “ear worm” ever, or maybe I find the thought of someone under my tree with a big red bow (and, I assume, tied up with ribbon) so hawt that my brain just shuts off. WTF, me?
Honourable mention: “Gothic Christmas” (Within Temptation) I deliberately left off parody songs because I find to many of them amusing to list here, but I like this one. It’s cute. I mean, check out these lyrics:
Santa’s going to wear a black dress;
Just for me and you.
Santa’s going to grunt in Latin;
And slay a dragon or two.
Rudolph, he will change his name,
’Cause “Rudolph” just sounds really lame—
Now we’ll call him Ragnagord,
The evil reindeer overlord.
Evil reindeer overlord, people, how is that not awesome?